I'll Be Home For Christmas
by SpoonyLupin
Summary: AU. After the war ends and Sirius's innocence is proven, he sets out to reclaim his freedom and the years he lost in a prison cell. However, in doing so, he only succeeds in pushing his godson away. When Sirius finally realizes his mistakes and returns home, will it already be too late to fix his relationship with Harry?


**Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**

**I'll Be Home for Christmas**

After the war ended and Sirius was finally set free, he was only too happy to get the hell out of his family's house once and for all. He ended up buying a small cottage in a sleepy village in northern England, not far from where Remus now lived with Tonks and Teddy.

Sirius had seemed a bit surprised when Harry first expressed interest in moving in with him. Sirius was more than happy to have Harry there, of course, but he had been expecting Harry to want to get out on his own. Harry, on the other hand, couldn't think of anywhere else he would have rather lived than with his godfather, and being so close to his own godson was another plus.

The cottage was small, and they could have certainly afforded more, but both Harry and Sirius seemed drawn to the simple life. Sirius had spent years as a prisoner in his own family's manor, and the cottage was different from the Black house in every way possible, and Harry really didn't care one way or the other _where_ they lived, just as long as his family was close.

The cottage was homey anyway, and Harry liked that. It was all they needed.

One afternoon in early September, just three months after the end of the war, Harry returned home. He was grinning from ear to as he stepped into the foyer. He called for his godfather as he pulled off his traveling cloak and hung it on the coat rack. Silence met his ears.

"Sirius?" Harry called again, a little louder. Harry approached the stairs leading up to the first floor, listening for any sign of where his godfather could be, but all was quiet. Harry looked left, into the sitting room, but it was empty. He turned right next, walking into the kitchen, wondering if Sirius had gone for a walk in the woods like he sometimes did in the afternoon.

Harry made himself some tea and then went to the backdoor, pulling it open and looking out into the yard. "Sirius?" The only response was from the cool wind, bringing the first hints of autumn with it. Turning back into the house, Harry took another sip of tea. Sirius couldn't have gone far. He knew Harry was getting his final word from the Auror Academy that afternoon, and he had promised to be home.

Returning to the foyer, Harry called up the stairs for Sirius one last time, and then he realized where Sirius must be. Sirius had been as nervous as Harry - probably even more so - about the Aurors, and Sirius _always_ liked to bug Remus when he was anxious about something. Harry snickered, imagining the look on poor Remus's face at that moment while Sirius freaked out about Harry possibly getting into the Aurors.

Deciding to rescue Remus from his best friend, Harry reached for his traveling cloak, but that was when he saw it. He wasn't even sure how he had missed it the first time, other than the fact that he had probably been a little too caught up in his excitement.

On the table behind the sofa in the sitting room was a bright white envelope propped up against one of the bookends. Harry's name was scrawled across the front in Sirius's neat handwriting.

Wondering where Sirius could have possibly have gone - he wouldn't write a note just to go to Remus's - Harry hurried over to it and plucked it off the table. As soon was his eyes settled on the letter itself, Harry knew something was wrong; it was much too long to be anything but.

_Dear Harry,_

_I'm not even sure where to begin, other than with the fact that I feel like I'm going crazy here. I thought that living in the country would help. All that open space…how could it not? But it hasn't. I'm not even sure that it's something that can be helped, but I decided that I have to try._

_Maybe it's the fact that it's England - still too close to those places where I spent so many miserable years. Too close to Grimmauld Place and way too close to Azkaban. Too close to Godric's Hollow. I don't know. Perhaps even the moon would be too close. I'm not sure, but I need to get away for a while._

_Please know that this has nothing to do with you (and if I know you at all, you are going to blame yourself). I love living with you, and I love being a proper family. I just have this crazy feeling that I'm missing out on something. I lost so many years in Azkaban and later at Grimmauld Place, and I feel like I need to get out there and…live. Do something insane and spontaneous for once now that I can._

_I'm not sure when I'll be back. When I find what I'm looking for, I suppose, and since I'm not even sure what that is, it could be a while. But I will be back. I promise._

_I apologize for leaving on the day you were supposed to get word from the Auror Academy. I'm sure you got in though, Harry, and I know you'll do great. I expect you to be well on your way to being a fully-fledged Auror when I return, so don't disappoint me._

_You know where Remus is. He's there if you need anything._

_I love you and I'll miss you._

_Your godfather,  
Sirius_

Harry swallowed hard, reading and rereading the letter so many times until the words began to blur. He let the hand holding the letter drop to his side, and rubbed harshly at his eyes with his other hand. He almost couldn't believe it - his godfather had left and hadn't even been able to tell him face-to-face. All he could do was leave a silly letter behind.

Harry looked at the letter again, almost expecting that it would be different - that he had imagined the whole thing. But he didn't; the inky black letters stood out as plain as day on the piece of white paper.

Looking up at the empty and unused fireplace, Harry frowned deeply. He wasn't even sure what he was feeling. Shock, he supposed. Whenever something had been bothering Sirius before, he had always been able to talk to Harry about it and vice versa. Harry didn't even have a clue that Sirius was feeling - Harry glanced down at the letter again - _crazy_. As far as Harry had known, Sirius was happy here, but apparently not. Why couldn't Sirius have come to him instead of just taking off?

And that was another thing. Harry understood perhaps better than anyone the need to be alone at times. Harry would have been more than willing to give Sirius some alone time. Maybe Harry could have gone to stay at Remus's for a little while, or maybe he could have helped Sirius plan a holiday somewhere. It made sense to Harry to want to get away from things for a while, especially after what Sirius had been through.

So why had it been so sudden and secretive? That was perhaps the part that hurt Harry the most. He had always thought that he and Sirius were best friends, that they could tell each other anything. Obviously, that wasn't true at all, at least not for Sirius.

Harry looked over the letter once again. Sirius couldn't even show him the decency to estimate when he would return. For all Harry knew, he might be gone a week, a month, or even years. What in the hell was Harry supposed to do until then? Sit around waiting for his long-lost godfather to show up?

Just then, the front door opened and Harry whirled around. Even though he had known it wouldn't be, there was a tiny little part in him that had hoped it would be Sirius - that his godfather had changed his mind and had returned anyway.

"Hey, Harry," Remus said around a grin, stepping into the foyer. He had five-month-old Teddy in his arms who squealed with delight when he saw Harry. His turquoise hair even turned a shade brighter.

Harry didn't respond. He didn't know what to say. His mind was still reeling with the fact that Sirius was gone.

"So…?" Remus spurred, waving a hand around. "Dora needs to know if she should start the celebration dinner."

Harry realized that Remus was asking him if he had gotten into the Auror Academy. If he did, he and Sirius were planning on having dinner with Remus and Tonks to celebrate. Harry just stared at Remus.

"Oh, Harry…" Remus whispered. "I'm sorry…you didn't get in." He sounded genuinely shocked, looking down at the floor awkwardly.

"No," Harry whispered, his voice cracking. "I…I got in. I'm supposed to start the winter program in November."

Remus grinned up at him, looking extremely relieved. "I told you they'd take you!" He laughed nervously and hurried across the room to wrap an arm around Harry. "Then why on earth do you look so miserable?" Remus demanded, pulling away. "You almost gave me a heart attack! I thought you'd be bouncing off the walls by now."

Harry frowned deeply down at the letter in his hands. He still didn't say anything.

"Harry?" Remus asked, sounding concerned.

He wasn't even sure he could tell Remus what was wrong, so Harry just held out the letter for him. "See for yourself," Harry muttered bitterly, turning away. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at a random spot on the floor.

Silence hung in the air like a weight pressing down on them as Remus read the letter. After what seemed like forever, Remus finally began, "Harry…" but he broke off again, not sure what to say.

"Did you have any idea he was feeling that way?" For the first time since he had found the letter, Harry felt the urge to cry. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and tried to push that feeling away.

"No," Remus said breathlessly. "He mentioned to me a couple times that he was feeling stir crazy, but…"

"Then you did know!" Harry interjected, whirling around to stare at Remus.

"No!" Remus cried. "I had no idea that he was thinking about leaving! All he said was that he was feeling restless, even more than he'd ever felt in Azkaban or even Grimmauld Place." Remus had set the letter down on the table behind the sofa and was currently adjusting Teddy in his arms.

"He didn't tell me anything," Harry said, sounding much more resentful than he had intended. His eyes drifted to the fireplace again - the big, black, empty hole. "I thought he was happy here."

"Oh, Harry, he was happy. He didn't want you to think he wasn't, and I think this is precisely why he didn't tell you." Remus took a few steps closer to him before continuing. "He didn't want you to worry…"

"So he takes off, leaving nothing but a ruddy letter behind that doesn't even tell me when he'll be back?" A tear suddenly slipped over the bottom lid of Harry's left eye. He swiped it away in annoyance. "Yeah, that made it loads better, thanks."

Remus sighed heavily, looking at the letter once more. "I'm not even going pretend to understand what was going through Sirius's mind, but…if it makes you feel any better, he did stuff like this all the time when we were young. Taking off for days on end, with no word…"

"He's not young anymore!" Harry exclaimed. "He has responsibilities! He has a responsibility to me to tell me where he's going!"

"I'm not trying to make excuses for him," Remus whispered, "nor am I saying what he did was right. Just that…now that he's free, I could see him wanting to be like that again. He can't be, of course, but I can see him wanting to recapture that, I guess. Or try to."

Harry wasn't going to admit it, but he supposed he could understand that in some small. But he was still angry. "Why'd he have to go today? This is one of the most important days in my life! I found out today that I have a chance at fulfilling my dream of being an Auror. I thought he was just as excited as I was to find out, but he couldn't even stick around long enough to see. He isn't even here to help me celebrate."

The room was quiet for a long time, except for the soft gurgles of Teddy. Harry almost kept expecting to hear the front door open, and for Sirius to walk in. He still couldn't believe that Sirius would just leave…he had to be coming back soon, right?

Finally, Remus tried, "Well, I know it won't be the same, but Dora and I are here. And Teddy. You could still come over. Dora's making your favorite." Remus smiled as much as he could.

Harry shook his head. "I can't. The last thing I feel like doing is eating right now." He pressed a hand over his stomach and made a face. "There's really not much to celebrate now anyway."

"Harry…"

"Tell Tonks I'm sorry," Harry said quickly. He pressed a quick kiss to Teddy's cheek before he turned and took the steps two at a time, leaving Remus and Teddy alone.

In an odd way, Remus supposed it was lucky that Sirius wasn't there. Because if he was, Remus would have killed him.

* * *

Harry went to his room and flopped down on his back in the middle of his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, still trying to make sense out of everything that had happened. How could Sirius just _leave_? _Especially_ today? Harry wanted nothing more than to come home today and tell Sirius what had happened. Harry could see his godfather's reaction in his mind - Sirius's face breaking out into a huge smile and then quickly wrapping Harry in a hug. Harry had almost been living for that moment, even since he had first applied to the Aurors.

Harry wiped away another tear that had escaped his eye. A part of him even wondered if he should bother with the Aurors at all now. It had been his dream for as long as he could remember, but if Sirius didn't care, why should he? It wasn't like he needed the money or anything.

Harry rolled over onto his side. Then again, why should he let Sirius spoil this for him? It was what he wanted, and he should just go and get it, right? Screw his spontaneity-loving godfather. That was important to Sirius, but this was important to Harry, and at least he did have Remus, and Tonks, and Teddy.

If Teddy was old enough to understand, Harry was sure he'd be proud of his godfather for being an Auror. That realization managed to make Harry feel the tiniest bit better, because he would do anything in his power to make his godson proud of him. Unlike some people.

He wasn't even sure how long he laid there, but it grew dark and sleep eventually overtook him.

* * *

Harry kept expecting Sirius to return. He'd wake up in the morning and check the house for any sign of his missing godfather. Anytime the house made the tiniest noise, Harry would look up, expecting to see Sirius entering the room. Every time he came home, Harry would check the house again. Sirius was never there.

After a while, Harry gave up hoping. The weeks and months passed with absolutely no sign of Sirius. Not even a letter. Harry considered writing - an owl would certainly be able to find him - but why bother? If Sirius couldn't even let him know how he was, why should Harry make an effort?

Harry began spending more and more time at Remus's. He had grown to dread returning to his own house; he now hated the quietness of it that always met his ears. So Harry got a pet.

Harry had gone to the Magical Menagerie one night during his first week of Auror training. He wasn't even expecting to find anything. He had just gone to look, to help him relax after a hard day of training. He seriously doubted he'd be able to find the perfect pet, but he had. He didn't know what had drawn him to the pure black kitten. Well, he did, but he'd be damned if he'd admit it. Harry later told Remus that there was just something about the tiny little cat and his bright yellow eyes that stirred something up in him. Remus seemed to suspect differently, but he didn't voice his opinion.

Harry named the cat Midnight. He knew it was unoriginal, but it seemed to fit. The cat's coat was as dark as the night sky, and the bright yellow eyes always reminded Harry of the moon, so Midnight it was.

The cottage didn't seem so empty after that. Whenever Harry came home, Midnight always rushed to meet him. Harry always fed Midnight whenever he ate, and the cat sat with him in the evenings when Harry went over his Auror studies. And Midnight always slept with him, cuddled up against his legs.

Harry almost forgot that anyone else had ever lived in the house. Almost.

* * *

One Saturday in early December, Harry awoke rather late in the afternoon. His first month of Auror training had been intense, and Harry lived for the weekends, seeming to sleep later and later as he got further and further into his studies.

Midnight let out a loud meow when he saw that Harry was awake. "I know," Harry mumbled, rubbing at his eyes. "You're starving." Midnight meowed again and started pacing up and down the mattress in excitement.

Harry thought he could have slept for another hour or two, but Midnight would never leave him in peace now. Yawning and stretching, Harry sat up, rubbing at his face again and running his hands through his hair. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and got up, reaching for his robe that was thrown over the chair in the corner.

Midnight led the way out into the hall and down the stairs, but that was when Harry noticed that something was different. Strands of fairy lights and garland had been wrapped around the railing of the stairway. Harry frowned at it, wondering where in the bloody hell it had come from.

The cat had made it to the bottom of the stairs, and he was eagerly pacing back and forth in the foyer. He kept yowling at the top of his lungs to tell Harry he was starving.

"I hear you," Harry said, slowly descending the rest of the stairs. When he got to the ground floor, however, he saw that the mystery decorator hadn't just stopped at the railing. The sitting room itself was stuffed with every sort of Christmas decoration imaginable. More garland and fairy lights had been placed over the fireplace, where a large fire was currently burning. Everlasting icicles and candles had been arranged on just about every surface of the room, and a tree that had yet to be decorated waited in the corner.

Harry stared at it all, dumbfounded. Who would bother to sneak into his house and decorate it? As soon as he really thought about it, though, he knew. Remus and Tonks. They knew that it was going to be a hard Christmas for Harry without Sirius around, and they were trying to cheer him up.

Harry smiled a bit, but then Midnight yelped again, pulling Harry out of his thoughts. "I'm coming," Harry sighed, turning and following the scampering cat into the kitchen. As soon as he entered the room, however, Harry stopped cold.

There, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea as if everything was normal, was Sirius. Harry supposed he looked a bit better than the last time he had seen him. Sirius looked like he had gotten a tan and like he had been exercising. Not that Harry would admit that to him.

"Hi, Harry," Sirius whispered, fiddling uncomfortably with his teacup. "I was wondering when you'd get up."

At first, Harry just stared. How was he supposed to react? Finally, he just settled on, "Sirius." A long silence stretched out between them, and Harry hated that; things had never been that awkward between the two of them. In an effort to break the silence rather than wanting to even talk to his godfather, Harry asked, "So…you did that?" He pointed in the direction of the sitting room. "The decorations?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. I knew you'd be upset with me, so that's sort of…the first step in trying to make things better between us."

"Candles and a tree?" Harry scoffed. "Yeah, I feel much better already, thanks."

"Harry…"

Midnight let out another squawk, cutting Sirius off. Up until that moment, Harry had completely forgotten the animal was there. Glad for the distraction, Harry turned his back on Sirius and went about getting the cat some food.

"I see you got a cat," Sirius said.

"Brilliant observation."

"Is he…er, black for a reason?"

"No," Harry said nonchalantly, setting Midnight's food dish on the floor. The cat almost pounced on it and immediately began gobbling down the food. Harry watched him and said quietly, "He was just the right one." After nearly a minute, he added, "I got him because I was lonely."

Harry was immediately angry at himself for saying that. He didn't want Sirius to think he couldn't get along without him. Harry frowned deeply and turned away from Sirius again, leaning back against the island counter.

"Harry, I'm sorry for leaving like I did," Sirius said. He pushed his chair back from the table and stood up. "I really am. I…thought I was missing out on something…I don't even know."

"Missing out on being young and stupid, and not having any responsibilities?" Harry asked coldly, turning to look at his godfather again.

"Yes," Sirius whispered, staring down at the floor. "Try and keep in mind, Harry…I was only twenty-one when I went to Azkaban. Almost twenty-two, but I was still so immature then. I did stuff like this all the time back then - disappear without telling anyone."

"Yeah. That's what Remus said."

Sirius reached the counter and he leaned against it, watching Harry on the other side. "When I was arrested," Sirius went on, "I was forced to grow up, but I think that twenty-one-year-old me was just waiting…until he could come out again." He paused, running a hand over his face and through his hair. "Once I was free again, and once that actually sunk in, I felt compelled to do something crazy and spontaneous again. I don't know…does that even make sense?"

Harry stared at Sirius for a long time. Truthfully, he thought he did understand what Sirius was trying to explain, but Harry didn't want to give him the satisfaction; he was still angry at his godfather, and he certainly wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. "So why couldn't you have told me that?" Harry asked accusingly. "I would have understood, you know. It's more than understandable, after everything you've been through, that you might have needed a few months away or something. So why did you leave me nothing but a ruddy note behind?" Before Sirius could even begin to form a response, Harry added, "I thought we were closer than that."

"Oh, Harry," Sirius said breathlessly, "it had nothing to do with how close we were. Like I said, I did stuff like this all the time without telling anyone - not even James or Moony, the only family I had. I was just…thoughtless and careless."

"You can say that again."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I feel terrible about it."

"As you should."

"But I'm back now."

Harry looked at him skeptically. "For how long? A day? Two days?"

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head emphatically. He made a movement, like he was going to reach for Harry's arm across the counter, but then stopped. He pretended to finger an imperfection in the blond wood instead. "I'm home. For good."

Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "Until the next time you feel like you're going crazy."

"Harry," Sirius said firmly, looking up into his godson's eyes, "I won't ever leave like that again." He sighed, looking across the room towards the back door. The very first snowfall of winter was visible, streaming down past the small square window. When he looked back at Harry, he continued. "I was trying to recapture something, but…it wasn't the same. I was trying to feel like I was twenty years old again, and it's taken this long - three months - for me to realize that it's not possible. That I can never really feel that way again no matter how hard I try."

"Your letter said you would be back when you found what you were looking for."

"Well, I did, in a way - find what I was looking for," Sirius said slowly. He eyed Harry closely, trying to gauge his godson's feelings. "No, I didn't find out what it felt like to be an irresponsible twenty-year-old again, but I realized that…I don't want to be. I've been lonely these past three months. It's strange - it sort of reminded me exactly of what I was trying to get away from. It reminded me too much of being in Azkaban and being cut off from everyone. I lost enough time with you and with Remus already. I don't want to make that mistake again." He gave Harry a very long a pleading stare.

"Oh, Sirius…" Harry felt his anger start to crumble the tiniest bit, but he tried desperately to hold on to it. He wanted Sirius to know that what he had done was _not_ okay. Biting at his bottom lip, Harry said, "Why'd you have to leave when you did? You _promised_ you'd be here when I got word from the Aurors." He scowled, looking down at the counter. "I wanted you to be the first person I told. And it ended up being Remus instead. Not that that's a bad thing, but…it wasn't you."

"I don't know," Sirius muttered, running a hand through this hair. "Maybe because that _was_ the least responsible thing I could have done. If I was trying to be twenty again, that was certainly the way to go about it. I did a lot of stupid things back then, as I've said." Sirius had intended his words as a joke, but they did nothing to lighten the heavy atmosphere that had taken over the room. "I am sorry," Sirius finally said. "I never intended to hurt you."

"Well, you did."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Sirius repeated. He paused for a very long time before he asked the question he had been dying to. "But you did get in, didn't you? To the Aurors?"

"Yeah," Harry sighed. He watched as Midnight finished with his lunch and went about taking a bath. "I started the winter training program last month."

Sirius smiled. "I told you you would."

"I thought you were as anxious to find out as I was," Harry said coldly. He looked up at his godfather, glaring at him. "But you left on what was one of the most _important_ days in my life! The day I found out whether I could follow my dream career, or whether I'd have to settle on something like playing professional Quidditch for a living. And you missed it. Like you didn't care at all about me."

Sirius opened his mouth respond, but Harry kept on going. He supposed he had been holding in his feelings about Sirius for so long, and now that he had let them come out, he couldn't quite stop them. "Remus was here that day," Harry went on. "He and Tonks were planning on having us over for dinner that night if I made it. He still wanted to go through with it, even after he found out you were gone, but I told him no. I said that with you gone, there wasn't anything to celebrate."

"Harry…" Sirius began, but then he suddenly looked very distressed and stopped.

_Good_, Harry thought.

"I never meant to spoil the whole thing for you," Sirius finally got out. He looked down at his hands, pretending to be fascinated by them. "I knew you'd be upset, but I didn't think it would be that much, and…I guess that's the problem - I _didn't_ think. I do that a lot. Always have."

Harry squeezed his eyes shut. "This isn't about what happened to my parents, you know. This is about you, and next time, it might be nice if you told me to my face instead of running off like a coward."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Harry regretted them. He didn't think Sirius was a coward at all, but he was angry, and he'd wanted to say whatever he could to hurt Sirius as much as his godfather had hurt him by disappearing.

Apparently, it had worked. Sirius looked surprised for the briefest moment before pushing away from the counter. He turned and stalked into the foyer, grabbing his cloak off the coat rack. Without looking back, he pulled the front door open and slammed it behind him.

Harry didn't see Sirius again for the rest of the day. At first, Harry thought that maybe he had gone to Remus's. They _always_ went to Remus's when they were angry at each other; Remus had a way of calming them down and making them see sense when their tempers sometimes got the best of them. As the day wore on, however, Harry began to wonder if Sirius had just left again. Maybe he decided that being alone someplace was better than trying to fix things with Harry.

Initially, Harry tried to pretend he was glad, but by the time the sun was setting, Harry was seriously regretting what he had said to his godfather. He didn't want Sirius to think he didn't want him around, because he did; he missed his godfather terribly, and Harry was beginning to think it was going to be a very empty and sad house without him.

* * *

Harry awoke the next afternoon to a very quiet house, and his heart sunk. Sirius was a noisy housemate, and he never made much of an effort to keep things down, even when he awoke before his godson. Harry was sure that Sirius would have been back by now if he was coming back at all, but the house was silent.

Sighing heavily, Harry got up, reaching for his robe on the chair. He shrugged it on, not caring if it looked sloppy or not. Midnight watched him from the foot of the bed, still sprawled out with his eyes half-closed.

"Are you coming?" Harry asked. "You're usually starving to death by now."

Midnight yawned and took his time getting up, lazily following Harry downstairs. Maybe he was even a bit nervous about what had happened the day before, and was afraid of a repeat screaming match in the kitchen.

Harry looked around at the sitting room and then the kitchen, but it didn't look like Sirius had been back at all. Everything was the way Harry had left it the night before, and nothing of Sirius's had been taken out or moved.

Harry went about feeding Midnight and fixing himself some lunch. His "meal" turned out to be a piece of toast and a cup of tea; the more he thought about what he'd said to Sirius and the fact that he may never see his godfather again, the less he felt like eating.

When his toast was reduced to a few pieces of crust, Harry stayed sitting at the table. He stared out the kitchen window at the backyard, remembering when Sirius used to go for walks almost every day after lunch. Harry almost imagined that he could see Sirius walking past a time or two, but he knew his godfather was probably long gone.

Just then, the front door squeaked open before slamming shut again. Harry jumped, but he was almost certain that it was Remus. Who else would it be, after all?

"Dear Merlin, it's cold!" Sirius's voice echoed through the house, which was followed by several loud banging noises.

Harry got to shaky feet and ran for the foyer, where Sirius was standing surrounded by mounds of shopping bags that had apparently fallen to the floor. Sirius was shaking his head like a dog, little droplets of melted snow flinging off in all directions. Harry couldn't help but smile.

"I, er…didn't think I'd see you again," Harry said quietly.

"What?" Sirius asked, running his hands through his damp hair. "Because of yesterday? I told you I'm home for good, Harry. I'm not about to go running off again because you called me a coward."

"Well, you _have_ been gone for almost twenty-four hours now," Harry pointed out.

"My ego was bruised a bit," Sirius admitted, shrugging. "I've been at Moony's, and he told me that it was running off in the first place that caused all the problems. He said that if I wanted to fix things with you, I was going about it entirely the wrong way."

Harry could feel his cheeks growing warm. He looked down at his sock-covered feet, wiggling the toes of his right foot for something to do. "I'm sorry for what I said." He glanced up at his godfather again and added, "You're not a coward."

"You were angry," Sirius said understandingly. "I don't blame you, really. Can you imagine how _I_ would have reacted if _you_ had disappeared for months on end, leaving nothing but a note behind?"

Harry found himself smiling again. "You would have spazzed."

"Exactly." Sirius considered this for a moment and said, "Your reaction was rather tame compared to what mine would have been, I think." Harry opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius talked over him. "And no, that doesn't mean you're allowed to try it."

"Hypocrite."

Sirius stuck his tongue out playfully before bending over to pick up some of the bags that had fallen. "Anyway, I woke up early today and went Christmas shopping! Give me a hand, would you?"

Harry finally stepped into the foyer and grabbed some of the packages, following Sirius into the sitting room with them. Sirius immediately dropped his bags with another loud bang and used his wand to start a fire in the fireplace in front of the couch. Bright orange and red flames exploded to life, filling the room with warmth.

"At least that's better," Sirius said, shaking his head again in another attempt to dry his hair.

"What'd you do?" Harry asked, setting the heavy bags neatly on the floor next to the couch. "Buy one of everything they had?"

"Pretty much," Sirius said, rummaging around in one of the bags. "I never realized how much fun shopping was! Well, now that I have a _real_ family to buy stuff for, that is." When Sirius stood up, he had a small box in his hands. It didn't look new, however; what Harry assumed was once a white box was faded and dingy with age.

"Moony gave me this to give to you," Sirius went on. "He said he only just found it in his things and thought you might like to have it."

Harry's heart thumped oddly in his chest as he reached out for the box. It felt dusty under his fingers, but he ignored it, eagerly pulling the lid off the top of the box. Inside was a Christmas ornament in the shape of a tiny Golden Snitch. Across one of the wings, it read '_Baby's First Christmas, 1980_', and a length of red ribbon was threaded through a small metal ring on the top.

His eyes pinned on the ornament, Harry walked around to the front of the couch. He sat down, reaching into the box and running his finger over the smooth metal. He imagined that the golden surface had once shone brilliantly, but it was now tarnished from years of age. Even the ribbon had seen better days, fraying in several places.

"Your parents got that for you," Sirius explained, joining his godson on the couch. "Remus said he found it not long after I was arrested. He went back to your parents' house and found that among the rubble. He kept it, but stored it with the rest of his Christmas things and ended up forgetting about it. He only realized he had it now, because he said this was the first year he's felt like putting up Christmas decorations."

Harry smiled slightly, hooking his index finger around the red ribbon and pulling the Snitch from the box. He let it swing back and forth lazily, staring at it thoughtfully.

"James and Lily were planning on getting one for you every year," Sirius continued. "James wanted to get the whole line of Quidditch-related ones, of course, but Lily insisted they get some that were more baby appropriate."

Harry made a face. "What, like booties and stuff? I think I prefer the Quidditch ones."

"I'm with you on that one," Sirius snickered. "But I thought that since they weren't able to get you more, that we should carry on the tradition they wanted to start." Sirius turned away and fished around in one of the bags for something else. He pulled out another small box, this one still bright white with a shimmering blue bow tied around it. "I got this for Teddy."

Harry replaced the Golden Snitch ornament in its box before taking the second one that Sirius had offered. Inside was another Christmas ornament, but this one was in the shape of a grey wolf. It sat on its hind legs with its head thrown back, as if howling at some invisible moon that only he could see. A baby blue ribbon was strung through a metal ring on the top of his head, and across the wolf's tail, it read '_Baby's First Christmas, 1998_'.

"Think he'll like it?" Sirius asked.

Harry had pulled the ornament out of the box, letting it hang from his finger and swing back and forth just like he had done with the first one. "Who? Remus or Teddy?"

Sirius laughed. "Both. You know I love seeing Moony's reaction when I insist on getting wolf stuff."

"Yeah," Harry replied absently, not even sure what he was responding to anymore. His mind had started to drift to other things, and he sat staring at the crackling fire in front of him.

"Harry?"

Harry didn't answer, but he went about putting the wolf ornament back in its box and tying the ribbon around it again. He set both boxes on the coffee table and turned to his godfather. "Sirius?" He looked down at his lap, playing with the sleeve of his robe for a moment. "I didn't tell you before because I was angry, but…I really missed you."

"Oh, Harry," Sirius sighed, "I missed you, too."

"Did you really?" Harry asked skeptically.

"_Yes_," Sirius said firmly. "I know it may not seem like it from my behavior, but I missed you like crazy. I wouldn't have come back if I didn't." He paused, staring at the fire for a moment. "Having your freedom doesn't mean much if your family isn't there to share it with. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize that. And I'm sorry that I had to hurt you to figure that out."

Harry was still focused on his lap, trying to ignore the slight burning sensation in his eyes. "I was afraid. I woke up this morning, and it was pretty obvious you didn't come home last night. I was certain you had left again."

"Harry." Sirius reached out for Harry's chin, forcing his godson to look up at him. "I told you I won't ever leave like that again. If I ever do feel like I need to get away again, I promise I'll come and talk to you about it first. I won't just…leave. I _promise_."

"That won't be like your last promise, will it?"

"Which one was that?"

"That you'd be here when I got word from the Aurors. You broke it."

Sirius was silent for a moment, but then he asked, "Did I ever break any other ones?"

Harry thought about this for a moment before he shook his head. "No. Not that I can remember."

"So," Sirius concluded, "can we just call that last one a fluke based on temporary insanity?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Temporary?"

"Hush," Sirius scolded playfully, smacking Harry lightly on the arm.

"I guess so," Harry agreed. He was finding it hard to hold his godfather's gaze, but he did nonetheless. "At least you kept the most important one."

"The most important one?"

Harry nodded. "When you said that we'd be a proper family someday. That was right in the middle of the war, when you were still wanted, and I didn't really believe you. It was so hard to believe that things would ever be okay, but…here we are." Harry smiled and added, "That was really the only one I ever wanted you to keep. The only thing I really _ever_ wanted."

Sirius placed a heavy hand on Harry's shoulder, squeezing it tightly. "And you've got that."

"Except now there's another promise that I want you to keep," Harry went on. "That you won't ever leave like that again."

Sirius shook his head. "I won't, Harry. I'll tell you every single day if I have to."

"No need. Just keep it."

"I will, Harry," Sirius said firmly. "I'm sorry that I ever did anything to make you _not_ trust me, but I'll do everything in my power to make it up to you. I just really want things to go back to normal between us. Do you think that's possible?"

Harry smiled slightly. "I thought that's what we were doing, being normal."

"I mean like the way we were before I left," Sirius said. "Where you didn't have to question me or wonder if I was telling you the truth. That's perhaps my biggest regret." He broke off, staring down at his lap.

A brief silence fell, punctuated only by the soft crackling of flames in the fireplace. "I know," Harry finally said, "and I do believe you, Sirius."

Sirius looked up, surprised.

"Remus told me once," Harry said, "that you're not one to apologize unless you truly mean it. He said that if you keep apologizing to the point that it's getting redundant, that's a sign that you're serious." Sirius made a face and Harry snickered. "Sorry, bad choice of words, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah," Sirius said around a smile. "I know. And I love you, Harry. I never stopped. Even when I was away."

"I know," Harry replied, grinning back, "and I love you, too." He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his godfather's neck and pulling him into a tight embrace. Sirius hugged him back, and Harry rested his head on his godfather's shoulder, almost like he was little kid again.

Just then, out of the corner of his eye, Harry noticed the undecorated Christmas tree in the corner. "Hey," Harry said, pulling away. "Can we decorate the tree?"

"Of course," Sirius said, leaning back against the couch. "That's why I left it - I was hoping we could do it together."

"I'll start with the most important one." Harry reached into the old and tattered white box, withdrawing the Golden Snitch ornament that his parents had bought for him eighteen years before. He stood up, went over to the tree, and hung the ornament on one of the highest boughs in the center.

Sirius watched him, and they both stared at the ornament for a moment where it was swinging back and forth. "Harry? You never told me what you want for Christmas."

Harry's back was toward Sirius, and he didn't bother turning around. "Nothing."

"Come on," Sirius pressed. "There has to be _something_ you want. This is our first real Christmas together - I want to get you something special."

"Well," Harry said wistfully, turning to face his godfather, "there was something, but I already got it, because you're here now."

_The end_


End file.
